Sorting My Non-“Potter” Fictional Crushes into Hogwarts Houses
We’ve all been there. Whether you’re reading a book or staring at the screen, there has always been that one character whom you would sell a kidney to meet in the real world.
If we can’t spend actual time with them, we can at least spend many, many hours thinking about them. If you’re anything like me, you too will have carefully Sorted each of your make-believe spouses into Hogwarts Houses.
Below are four of my most beloved fictional (non-Potter) crushes Sorted into Hogwarts Houses.
Beth Harmon – The Queen’s Gambit
It’s much easier to play chess without the burden of an Adam’s apple.”
We all know Beth Harmon is a genius. This was something I was prepared for when The Queen’s Gambit came out on Netflix. What I was not prepared for was this dynamite character with clever one-liners, a fashion sense to put experts to shame, and a personality that made you unable to take your eyes off her for the entire ten hours of the show. In the beginning, chess was a form of escapism for Harmon. She would stay awake and play out games in her head for hours. However, by the time she began competing, it became quite clear she was fiercely ambitious. She intends to win, and she will work for it. For this reason, Beth Harmon belongs in Slytherin.
Abed Nadir – Community
I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I’m freaking out right now.”
I am not exaggerating when I say my love for this character is boundless. If you ever find me beaming with pure joy, chances are I am thinking about Abed Nadir. Abed is a movie junkie who seems to realize every once in a while that he is, in fact, in a TV show. His greatest pleasures involve breaking the fourth wall and going full-throttle meta. Abed wants nothing more in life than to connect with those around him. Unfortunately, this has always been difficult for him. He uses film as an attempt to understand people. He hosts Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, dresses up with his best friend (Troy Barnes, a.k.a. Donald Glover) as Inspector SpaceTime, and has a room in his apartment called “The Dreamatorium” (a location where he can dive into his imagination and embark on adventures). The complexity of Abed’s character makes him very difficult to Sort into a Hogwarts House. Abed, with his great love for the eccentric and vast knowledge of his obsession (pop culture), is a textbook Ravenclaw. However, his one great goal in life is to look out for his friends. Every action he takes is motivated by his adoration and loyalty to those he loves. For this reason, Abed Nadir is a toss-up of Ravenclaw and Gryffindor.
Fox Mulder – X Files
Scully, this is a classic case of demon fetal harvest!”
Fox Mulder is not necessarily a romantic, but there is something about him that makes the hearts of many flutter. Perhaps it can be boiled down to one defining characteristic: his nerdiness. Mulder came into the FBI as the most talented criminal profiler in the field. Of course, everything went downhill the moment he discovered the X Files (unexplained and unsolved mysteries). To say he became obsessed is an understatement. In the first three episodes alone, he chases down an ancient monster with a sweet tooth for human livers, has his memory erased after breaking into a top-secret government base, and manages to offend no less than five police officers and FBI agents. Mulder is blessed with a photographic memory and spends his holidays reading alien abduction books and breaking into supposedly haunted buildings. There are very few characters who portray pure geekiness with as much style as Mulder. For this reason, I believe he belongs in Ravenclaw.
Sherlock Holmes – BBC Sherlock
I’m not a psychopath, Anderson. I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.”
Despite anything Sherlock might say, he is far from a sociopath. BBC’s Sherlock is successful at providing one of the most compelling and enriching characters on TV. Yes, he may be a snarky, arrogant genius who is famous for snippy one-liners and a distaste for sentiment. But he is also a detective who dreamed of being a pirate and spends the entire series learning to love and connect with those around him. Sherlock could best be described as a whirlwind – a whirlwind of knowledge and energy that leaves a wreckage of shocked spectators in his wake. Sherlock takes great glee in his work and proves multiple times that his arrogance (whether it takes the form of a trip to Buckingham Palace in nothing but a bedsheet or a ride on the London Underground bathed in blood while holding a harpoon) may be warranted. Sherlock Holmes solves crimes to escape boredom. He is not a detective for the money or even the fame. Sherlock does what he does simply to keep his incomparable brain engaged. It is for this reason Sherlock belongs in Ravenclaw.
Do you agree with this list? Which Houses would you Sort your fictional crushes into?