The Sorting Hat’s Guide to Winning Friends and Keeping Them
I told you I’d eat myself if you can find a smarter hat than me,
So, follow this sage advice and you too shall see,
The secret to making friends and keeping them close
Is by zipping your mouth before you diagnose,
The secret, learned friends, is to be quiet as a mouse,
If you ever get the urge to Sort friends into a House!
1. No one wants to attend a wedding where the best friend speech is dominated by a 30-minute retelling of the Great Sorting Fight of 2011.
2. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a large cohort of Gryffindors think they are Ravenclaws. No good comes of pointing this out.
3. Would you announce your friend’s new diet goals in front of a group of randoms you just met? Probably not, so maybe leave their Hogwarts House for them to disclose.
4. Impersonating the Sorting Hat at parties is a crime punishable by wizard law. Stop it, or we’ll have you in front of the Wizengamot.
5. Oh my god, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re Slytherin!
6. If a friend chooses to list their Hogwarts House on their dating profile/resume/socials, accept the vibe they’re putting out into the world.
7. If you sense a bit of Gryffindor in a friend who identifies as Ravenclaw, resist the urge to explain your belief that someone mistakenly left some of their soul in your friend during a failed murder attempt.
8. Sometimes we Sort too early. House vibes are fluid, just like everything else. #IWasATeenageGryffindor
9. You may feel omnipresent and all-knowing, but you do not spend 364 days in the Headmaster’s Office shut in a cupboard thinking about nothing but this sacred task.
10. You can have shared, color-coded spreadsheets and still not be a Ravenclaw.
11. If your friend’s college essay is titled “My experiences navigating the world as a Hufflepuff,” you should not make yours “All the reasons my friend is definitely a Slytherin.”
12. There is nothing un-Slytherin about baked goods. Baked goods are for everyone.
13. Resist the urge to use your friend’s Muggle horoscope data to build your case about where they should be Sorted.
14. Ask yourself, “Are they a Gryffindor, or are they just a teenager?”
15. It is impolite to Sort someone as a “Squib.” Reserve this only for savage burns with enemies.
16. Some people don’t like labels; that doesn’t make them less magical.
17. Pulling up a stool in the middle of the room and requesting people visit you alphabetically isn’t as endearing as it sounds.
18. A pet snake does not a Slytherin make!
19. Conversing only in rhyme with the intention to Sort people into groups will not win you as many friends as you think it will.
20. Do not try to boost your Sorting credentials by promising to aid your friends in the fight against a Basilisk.
21. Some Gryffindors are non-confrontat—LOL, just kidding.
22. Whilst it’s a bit uncool to get into a Sorting Duel with your mates, strangers are fair game.
23. Starting a request with “Oh, but you’re such a Gryffindor!” doesn’t make it okay to outsource your challenging tasks to friends.
24. Remember there are no do-overs when you’re the Sorting Hat. One moment’s confusion and you spend centuries in a cupboard dwelling on how you ever let Percy Weasley into Gryffindor.
25. If someone tells you which House they’re in, believe them!