Ten Times Harry was the Sassiest Boy Who Lived
Originally, this was supposed to be a compilation of the greatest times Harry was sarcastic. However, upon re-reading the books, it came to my attention that Harry doesn’t quite live up to the moniker of King of Sarcasm (that honor goes straight to Ron). Rather, Harry is especially good at wielding the sass. Therefore, behold, the top ten times Harry was the Boy Who Sassed:
(Note: All these quotes have been condensed and edited for brevity. Please refer to the actual chapters to get the whole JKR experience.)
#1 Prisoner of Azkaban – Chapter 2 – “Aunt Marge’s Big Mistake”
Harry loathes Aunt Marge and has to grit his teeth when, not for the first time, Uncle Vernon tells him how to act when she (or anyone else who’s woefully unaware of magic) visits the house:
We need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her. Firstly, you’ll keep a civil tongue in your head when you’re talking to Marge.”
“All right,” said Harry bitterly, “if she does when she’s talking to me.”
“Secondly,” said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry’s reply, “as Marge doesn’t know anything about your abnormality, I don’t want any – any funny stuff while she’s here. You behave yourself, got me?”
“I will if she does,” said Harry through gritted teeth.
#2 Prisoner of Azkaban – Chapter 13 – “Gryffindor Versus Ravenclaw”
After Harry had received the okay from Professor McGonagall that his anonymously gifted Firebolt was not, in fact, jinxed, he and the Gryffindors gawk over the broom right before the upcoming Quidditch match. Malfoy can do nothing except taunt:
Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.
Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.
“Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.
“Got plenty of special features, hasn’t it?” said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. “Shame it doesn’t come with a parachute – in case you get too near a dementor.”
Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.
“Pity you can’t attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy,” said Harry. “Then it could catch the Snitch for you.”
The Gryffindor team laughed loudly. Malfoy’s pale eyes narrowed, and he stalked away.
#3 Goblet of Fire – Chapter 20 – “The First Task”
Rita Skeeter is itching to get a juicy soundbite from Harry right on the heels of his successful completion of the first task. But now that he’s got Ron back on his side, nothing can get him down:
As Ron and Harry rounded the clump of trees behind which Harry had first heard the dragons roar, a witch leapt out from behind them.
It was Rita Skeeter.
“Congratulations, Harry!” she said, beaming at him. “I wonder if you could give me a quick word?”
“Yeah, you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.”
And he set off back to the castle with Ron.
#4 Order of the Phoenix – Chapter 1 – “Dudley Demented”
Harry has been caught hiding under the Dursleys’ living room window, straining to hear the news. As always, when it comes to the Dursleys, sarcasm is the only response:
Why were you lurking under our window?”
“Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our window, boy?”
“Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
“Listening to the news! Again?”
“Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry.
#5 Order of the Phoenix – Chapter 10 – “Luna Lovegood”
Malfoy and his cronies flank the Hogwarts Express train compartment that Harry and company are in. Malfoy is flaunting his prefect clout and mouthing off:
Harry had expected this, but that did not make the sight of Draco Malfoy smirking at him any more enjoyable.
“What?” he said aggressively, before Malfoy could open his mouth.
“Manners, Potter, or I’ll have to give you a detention,” drawled Malfoy, whose sleek blond hair and pointed chin were just like his father’s. “You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”
“Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone.”
#6 Order of the Phoenix – Chapter 14 – “Percy and Padfoot”
Ron has just received a letter from Percy, who’s warned him to avoid hanging out with Harry, currently Enemy No. 1 at the Ministry. Harry can do nothing except try to make light of the situation and cheer his best friend up:
Harry looked at Ron.
“Well,” he said, trying to sound as though he found the whole thing a joke, “if you want to – er – what is it?” (He checked Percy’s letter.) “Oh yeah – ‘sever ties’ with me, I swear I won’t get violent.”
#7 Order of the Phoenix – Chapter 23 – “Christmas on the Closed Ward”
The Weasleys and Harry have just heard the Order whispering about Voldemort possessing Harry, and Harry is about to give in to a fit of martyred heroism. To top it off, Phineas Nigellus’s patronization isn’t doing much to alleviate the situation:
Harry’s temper rose to the surface. He was exhausted, he was confused beyond measure, he had experienced terror, relief, and then terror again in the last twelve hours, and still Dumbledore did not want to talk to him!
“So that’s it, is it?” he said loudly. “Stay there? That’s all anyone could tell me after I got attacked by those dementors too! Just stay put while the grownups sort it out, Harry! We won’t bother telling you anything, though, because your tiny little brain might not be able to cope with it!”
“You know,” said Phineas Nigellus, even more loudly than Harry, “this is precisely why I loathed being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything.”
#8 Half-Blood Prince – Chapter 6 – “Draco’s Detour”
Hermione, Ron, and Harry bump into Malfoy and Narcissa at Madam Malkin’s robe shop. Volleyed threats ensue:
Narcissa Malfoy smiled unpleasantly.
“I see that being Dumbledore’s favorite has given you a false sense of security, Harry Potter. But Dumbledore won’t always be there to protect you.”
Harry looked mockingly all around the shop. “Wow…look at that…he’s not here now! So why not have a go? They might be able to find you a double cell in Azkaban for your loser of a husband!”
#9 Half-Blood Prince – Chapter 9 – “The Half-Blood Prince”
Finally a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Snape is teaching nonverbal spells and he’s chosen, once again, Harry as his punching bag. However, Harry unleashes a full order of sass:
Harry’s Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked around and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling.
“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry stiffly.
“There’s no need to call me ‘sir,’ Professor.”
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
#10 Half-Blood Prince – Chapter 9 – “The Half-Blood Prince”
Hermione, wary about Harry blindly trusting the battered Potions textbook that has resulted in him acing Slughorn’s class, tries to check whether it’s cursed or not. Harry, as one can expect, is not a fan of her probing:
Hermione pulled Harry’s copy of Advanced Potion-Making out of his bag and raised her wand.
“Specialis Revelio!” she said, rapping it smartly on the front cover.
Nothing whatsoever happened. The book simply lay there, looking old and dirty and dog-eared.
“Finished?” said Harry irritably. “Or d’you want to wait and see if it does a few backflips?”
“It seems all right,” said Hermione, still staring at the book suspiciously. “I mean, it really does seem to be…just a textbook.”
“Good. Then I’ll have it back,” said Harry, snatching it off the table.
Oh, Harry and all your emotional outbursts – never change, dear, never change.
What were your favorite of Harry’s sasstastic moments?