11 Most Disastrous Article Ideas We’ve Ever Had

At MuggleNet, we produce hundreds of articles a year, and coming up with a constant stream of new ideas can be tough. Sometimes, when you’re tired or hungry or you just plain hate all people (speaking only for myself on that last one), and you start thinking outside the box, that’s where the magic happens. Or the truly terrible stuff happens.

With help from my MuggleNet colleagues, and in particular our boss Kat, who – and I hope she takes this as the compliment it’s intended to be – has a slightly disturbed mind when she’s overtired, I bring you the 11 worst articles that will never see the light of day. For legal reasons. Or ethical reasons. Or reasons of good taste and decency.

Until I get really, really short on ideas.

 

1. I Ate Like Movie Ron Weasley for a Week, and Here’s What Happened

 

 

I’m a gluten-free vegetarian. You don’t want to know what would happen, and I can’t afford the medical bill.

I don’t understand how Rupert Grint is not dead.

 

2. My 10 Worst Ex-Boyfriends, in Alphabetical Order by Real Name, and Their Death Eater Counterparts

 

 

Just kidding.

I don’t have 10 ex-boyfriends.

That is 100% the only reason I’m not doing this article.

 

3. I Used Snape Quotes as Motivation to Exercise, and Here’s What Happened

 

 

I actually started doing this experiment, but it sent me to a really dark place, so I had to stop.

It’s super effective, though. I can run really fast now, though it’s hard to see where I’m going through the tears.

 

4. A Serious Review of the Broom Used By the Guy on Craigslist Who Says You Can Ride His Broom

 

 

We at MuggleNet believe magic is real. But there’s a line. Testing the claims of people who say on Tinder that they’re actual wizards: also never going to happen.

 

5. I Put Teenagers into Dangerous Situations with No Instructions for a Week, and Here’s What Happened

 

 

This is literally already the plot of Harry Potter if you replace “a week” with “seven years.”

 

6. Five Deaths in the Harry Potter Books That I Actually Honestly Didn’t Really Give a **** About.

 

 

This article would precipitate my firing. I can’t even joke about it.

(All I’m saying is that they’re not all minor characters. SORRY.)

 

7. I Only Wore Pink and Started Every Sentence with “HEM HEM” for a Week, and Here’s What Happened

 

 

MuggleNet colleague: “This would get you murdered.”

 

8. If I Suddenly Needed Seven Horcruxes for Some Reason, Here Are the People I’ve Decided I’d Use to Obtain Them

 

 

Look, I was having a bad day, okay?

Anyway, doesn’t everyone have a secret Horcrux plan?

No? Just me?

 

9. I Tried All the Teaching Advice in Harry Potter for a Week, and Here’s What Happened

This one was a brilliant idea.

All I needed to do was get unfettered access to a classroom of 30 children for a week and behave like characters such as Severus Snape and Mad-Eye Moody in front of them.

 

 

I honestly don’t understand why no one would let me do this.

 

10. Great Summer Recipes for Earwax-Flavored Bertie Bott’s!

 

 

You know how that series on different butterbeer recipes worked out super well?

I genuinely thought this was the perfect follow-up.

 

11. I Got Different Plastic Surgeries So I Could Be a Metamorphagus Like Tonks, and Here’s What Happened

 

 

Colleague: “No.”

Me: “But wouldn’t it be hilarious if you did, though? Like, not actual plastic surgery, maybe just Botox and a bunch of different wigs?”

Colleague: “No.”

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If you have any terrible ideas for Harry Potter articles, feel free to send them my way.

I am a poor judge of risk and am easily bored, so there’s at least a possibility at I’ll do it.