Accio Ravenpuff Merch! Dear Merchandise Creators…
Dear merchandise creators,
It may have escaped your notice in the past 20 years that some of your merchandise has gotten lost in the creation process. Perhaps you’ve said you’ll get around to adding two more lines later, or you’ll ask your fellow worker if they’ll design the merch (they won’t), but something massive is missing from the design process. Unless someone’s cast a Memory Charm on you, then it doesn’t feel excusable. You see, there aren’t just Gryffindors and Slytherins at Hogwarts. Red and green and red and green as far as the eye can see, but where is the blue and yellow?
We Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs aren’t happy. We search high and low for our merchandise at the Studio Tour, at theme parks, and at unofficial websites. Yet despite this, there’s never as much merchandise for us Ravenpuffs as there is for Gryffindors and Slytherins. In fact, often there’s nothing. So here are two theories that I have surrounding why you could possibly think that this inequality is justified…
My first and most elaborate theory naturally involves magic. Contrary to the website name, we’re all wizards and witches here. Maybe you have cast a Concealment Charm over all the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff merchandise. Or you have used an enormous invisibility cloak. Our task as members of these two, for lack of a better phrase, “reduced Houses” is to discover treasure troves of sapphire and gold Harry Potter products. Hufflepuffs are well known for being good finders, and we Ravenclaws are most commonly recognized for our wit and wisdom. You might say that, together, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs would work excellently on the same team. Is that what you’ve been waiting for? Is this your plan for us and our merchandise?
Alternatively, my second theory surrounds the Age of the Hufflepuff. You’ve been eagerly awaiting Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, a movie series with a Hufflepuff and his expeditions at its heart, in order to release all the Hufflepuff merchandise an excited badger could ever ask for. Nevertheless, it’s been two months since our beloved Newt Scamander stumbled onto movie screens, and I can’t see any more merch than there was before, and even this theory doesn’t benefit Ravenclaws. Unless Kennilworthy Whisp is an avid Ravenclaw in any potential adaptation of Quidditch Through the Ages, then this plan is still unfair. Ravenclaw may be the least-populated House at Hogwarts and it and Hufflepuff may have little direct involvement in the overall plot of the Harry Potter series, but remember we both had Horcruxes, and we both played our roles in the Battle of Hogwarts! We may be small, but we Ravenpuffs still deserve an equal chance to express our House pride.
Merchandise creators, you seem to either think that Gryffindor and Slytherin are the only Houses in existence, or that we all secretly have a burning desire to be part of one of the two. That’s not true! We don’t want to conform! We are proud eagles and badgers, and we want to express that! It’s up to you to remedy this, but just remember that both eagles and badgers can provide a nasty bite when discontent.
A rather miffed Ravenclaw