Why Hagrid Is Terrible at Adulting
Rubeus Hagrid: Lovable half-giant with a heart bigger than a large baby goat. Or that’s what we all thought… back in March, we scrutinized Dumbledore’s questionable actions. Now it’s time to shed light on the abominable misgivings of Hogwarts’ gamekeeper.
At first glance, nothing seems terribly off. Sure, Hagrid may be a bit clumsy at times, and he does have the occasional slip of critical information. “But surely,” you’re likely saying, “that can’t be enough to paint our favorite beard attached to a body as a villain!”
I strongly beg to differ. Sure, at the surface all may seem well, but it doesn’t take much digging to figure out what’s wrong with this picture. I present to you Exhibit A: Hagrid’s obsession with all things deadly.
Some might push aside ‘Agrid’s fascination with fantastically dangerous beasts and how to hide them as a harmless quirk. But if they were to push aside their unconditional affection, they’d realize that it’s more than just an idiosyncrasy. I believe there is a fine line between a hobby and a recurring action that only luck could prevent from causing mass death and hysteria. I also believe that line is Hagrid.
It started with a harmless spider as a pet. Except it wasn’t just a spider; it was a soon-to-be behemoth with a craving for human flesh. Even though Aragog, king of the arachnids, wasn’t the Chamber of Secrets’s monster, Hagrid’s possession of him warranted his expulsion from school.
The list doesn’t end there, though. No, no, that’s just the beginning. Norbert(a), Fluffy, Buckbeak (along with his other hippogriff friends), and a herd of Thestrals round out an incomplete list of Rubeus’s pets.
Now, if this isn’t enough to convince you, Hagrid’s treatment of the golden trio should do the job. As you’ve likely been throughout this whole piece, I imagine you’re skeptical. But hear me out. It’s one thing to be especially friendly to a few students. But it’s another thing entirely to be close enough that you’d spill extremely classified information to said students, accidentally or otherwise. If not for his hints about following certain eight-legged creatures, or his general lack of care in Book 1, Harry and the gang may have been saved a lot of trouble.
All in all, Hagrid may not be terrible at heart, but he is undoubtedly not the best at the thing we call being an adult. He also gave Dudley a pig tail, which is blatantly just rude.