The Truth Is out There… at Hogwarts!
This past weekend at New York Comic Con, I lined up with anticipation for a panel on The X-Files. There was plenty of fandom overlap in the line. Ahead of me was a young girl in a perfect Scully cosplay (complete with a plush toy fox), beside me was a pair of middle-aged women wearing “X-PHILE” sweatshirts, and behind me stood a guy in a Gryffindor T-shirt.
The doors opened, and we were shepherded in and treated to a trailer for the upcoming 2018 season, followed by a discussion with series creator Chris Carter and actors Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, and Mitch Pileggi. Gryffindor T-shirt dude ended up sitting a few rows ahead of me, and inspiration struck: What would the characters of The X-Files be like if they went to Hogwarts? Here are the conclusions I came to.
Special Agent Fox Mulder
Above all else, Mulder is a seeker of the truth. He undoubtedly displays Gryffindor traits such as nerve and loyalty, but they are the means in his quest for the exposure of knowledge. Mulder raises a few eyebrows from the more austere Ravenclaws; rather than silently poring over books, his most effective studying methods include a lot of agitated pacing and launching quills into the ceiling.
Looking for a substitute for basketball, Mulder joins the Ravenclaw Quidditch team as a Chaser. He forms a close friendship with Luna Lovegood, and the two spend hours discussing the Rotfang Conspiracy and the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Mulder enjoys debating the existence of extraterrestrial life with Professor McGonagall or anyone else who will listen, and he spends his Astronomy lessons looking for aliens.
Special Agent Dana Scully
Beneath Scully’s high intelligence and reverence for science is an enormously brave heart and a fierce loyalty to those she loves. While never one to shy away from labeling Mulder’s latest theories as “bat crap crazy,” the second anyone else dares scoff at him, she is immediately in attack mode.
Scully excels in all classes but has difficulty taking Divination seriously. Like Hermione, she finds the subject flighty and unreliable. Scully’s talents are most visible in Potions, particularly in making draughts of the medicinal variety; she is, after all, a medical doctor. Her red hair often has her mistaken as a Weasley, but she doesn’t mind since the family reminds her of her own siblings.
Assistant Director Walter Skinner
He defends his often-insubordinate agents as far as he can, and he himself flouts authority when the situation calls for it.
Skinner spends his days studying, knocking back butterbeers with friends at the Three Broomsticks, and going for walks around the black lake on brisk days. Skinner is well liked and greeted to cries of “Skin-man!” every time he enters the common room. He is assigned prefect and then later Head Boy for his sharp leadership abilities, but his soft side is revealed whenever he finds first years lost in the corridors between classes. His favorite Head Boy perk: long bubble baths in the prefects’ bathroom.
The Lone Gunmen
Richard Langly (Ravenclaw), Melvin Frohike (Slytherin), and John Fitzgerald Byers (Hufflepuff) are the ultimate example of House unity. Despite the lack of electricity at Hogwarts, their talents for the technological serve them well, both in class and out. If anyone can improve on the Marauder’s Map, it’s these guys.
The Smoking Man
As much as I dislike the “everyone evil is a Slytherin” trope, the Smoking Man embodies some of the House’s key traits, most notably cunning and self-preservation. As a Hogwarts student, he bullies other students into procuring him packs of Morleys and twiddles his thumbs nefariously.
We know next to nothing about Scully and Mulder’s kid, so I’m inventing this all based on my own whims. William is a gifted Ravenclaw, whose affinity for telekinesis aids him in all his classes, particularly Charms and Transfiguration. A theater nerd, William takes the reins from Professor Herbert Beery and leads the Hogwarts Drama Club. Unlike his father, William cannot stand sunflower seeds; they are just an unpractical and time-consuming snack.
Please let me know how completely right or absurdly wrong I am, and watch the new season next year if you are so inclined!