17 of the Best “Harry Potter” Insults for Every Occasion
You may have heard of Shakespearean insults, but what about channeling our nerdiness into some Harry Potter insults? They’re original, graphic, biting, and strangely specific, perfectly suited for catching your enemy off guard when used in everyday conversation. Simply pick a category of insult that you need and enjoy the roast!
1. For General Use
Hermione is the queen of general insults with lots of nice adjectives and original images. She has a colorful description of Umbridge:
That foul, lying, twisting old gargoyle!” (OotP 450)
Or you may prefer the insult she gives Draco Malfoy in the movie of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, right before she punches him in the face:
You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!
Hagrid’s insults are also original, although a bit more to the point:
Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune.” (SS 47)
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard someone called a prune before, but it does seem like an insulting thing to say.
2. For Times When You Need a Medieval Flair
There are times when your anger cannot be expressed by modern-day vocabulary. At those times, simply call on the honorable Sir Cadogan for assistance:
Get back, you scurvy braggart! Back, you rogue!” (PoA 100)
Stand and fight, you mangy cur!” (PoA 175)
Mrs. Black, Sirius’s mother, is another useful person to learn from.
Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness!” (OotP 78)
3. For Graphic Punishments
Sometimes, an insult just isn’t enough. You need your enemy to be able to vividly imagine all the ways they could possibly be harmed. Take a leaf out of Hagrid’s book:
Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh.” (SS 50)
Or what about Ron? In the movie, he says this line as a spell that backfires, but in the books, it’s just a throwaway insult:
Eat slugs, Malfoy.” (CoS 97)
Ron soon learns how incredibly disgusting that experience is, which makes it an even crueler thing to wish upon someone else.
You deserve to be boiled in frog spawn.” (GoF 541)
This is sent as hate mail to Hermione, who certainly does not deserve that fate, but still, the writer deserves an A for effort.
4. For Girls Who Need to Put Down a Boy
This may be the most useful category of them all. What girl hasn’t needed one of these before?
Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours?” (PoA 125)
Snape says this to Neville, but wouldn’t it be put to better use if said to someone who actually deserved it?
For boys who simply don’t understand emotions, try sending a few of Hermione’s words their way:
You are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet.” (OotP 459)
Or this classic:
Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have.” (OotP 459)
If you really want to take someone down, however, you can’t do better than Lily Evans:
I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.” (OotP 647)
5. For Times When You Want to Politely Destroy
The Marauders are bosses at this type of insult. They are masters at combining a formal tone with a cruel burn. They are so talented that they even managed to enchant the Marauder’s Map to make these insults on its own:
‘Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.’
‘Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.’
‘Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot Iike that ever became a professor.’
‘Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.’” (PoA 287)
There were too many amazing insults in the books to fit in this article, so if I’m missing some of your favorites, please share them in the comments below!