When the Weasleys Meet the NFL

Below is the transcript from when the Weasleys are introduced to Thanksgiving and American football.

Cast of Characters: Hermione Granger and her parents, Harry Potter, and the whole Weasley family, including Fleur.

Setting: Thanksgiving Day at an Airbnb in New York City. It is after the defeat of Voldemort but before the child-rearing begins.

[Scene: As an early Christmas present, the Grangers took Harry and the Weasleys on a long vacation to America. It has been a fully Muggle experience, including the fact they flew on an airplane to America. Their itinerary has included Los Angeles, the Mall of America, Chicago, New Orleans, and Disney World. Today, they are in New York City, here to experience the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, a Thanksgiving meal, and then Black Friday tomorrow. It didn’t take much to get the Weasleys on board with celebrating a holiday that mostly involves eating. Mr. and Mrs. Granger and Mrs. Weasley are in the kitchen. Mrs. Weasley is showing Mrs. Granger all the spells used in food preparation. To distract the hungry Weasleys from being in the kitchen, Hermione decides to introduce the family to American football. Fleur is sitting beside Hermione as moral support and because she thinks this is going to be as entertaining as Arthur on the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World. She turns on the television to watch the big game. The game is just beginning: The players are lined up, and “The Star-Spangled Banner” is playing.]

Ron: Hermione, these players aren’t dressed like Dean’s West Ham football poster.
Hermione: Because Ronald, in America, football is a different sport. What we call football, they call soccer.

[The shot changes from aerial shots of the stadium to zoomed-in views of the players.]

Ginny: Are they wearing bum padding? They’re not sitting on brooms. Why would they need bum pads? I’m glad we have Cushioning Charms, much better for photographs.

[As the national anthem finishes, the military airplanes fly over, and the exhaust fumes are red, white, and blue to celebrate America.]

Arthur: Blimey! How do the Muggles get different colors?
Hermione: Chemicals.
Arthur: So ingenious, these Muggles!

[As the players are assembling, the commentators start their exposition of the game. Arthur and Percy look around for the source of the voices; Bill, Ron, and George take out their wands, looking to curse the source of the mysterious voices.]

Hermione: Honestly, they’re commentators in a press box. It’s just like how Bagman commentated during the World Cup.

[They show the referee calling the coin toss.]

Charlie: A coin toss? Just throw the ball in the air, and whoever catches it gets it. Just like Quidditch.
Fleur: [muttering] Not everything in life is about Quidditch or dragons.

[Before Charlie can show how aghast he is about that statement, the referee throws a penalty flag.]

Percy: That’s not a flag. That’s a handkerchief.
George: Another joke from Percy! I’m slowly rubbing off on you. Fred would be so proud.

[There’s a bit of silence as they all mull over Fred. It gets broken when the television cuts to the mascots. Hermione explains that they are people in outfits.]

Harry: At least they can’t set the referees on fire.

[The home team scores a touchdown.]

Ron: You mean they just have to run over the line? Then what’s the point of the big fork-looking thing?

[Mr. Granger explains the goalposts as the kicker sets the extra point kick and – ]

George: Blimey, how could you miss that? The area to score in is 300 times bigger than a Quidditch hoop, and plenty of people score through that even with a Keeper.
Bill: You know, if it’s called football, then why does only one player use their foot?

[At this, Hermione has been driven into the kitchen with their questions. Fleur joins her, deciding to help set the table as it’s almost time for dinner. As the food is set on the table, the Weasley men have decided not to continue watching the game. Why watch a game when one could be eating? Heating Charms are only so good for so long. Just before they turn off the television, the screen changes to an advertisement with a kid taking a bath while playing with a rubber duckie.]

Arthur: So that’s the function of a rubber duck.

[They all laugh, and they all sit down to enjoy their first Thanksgiving dinner, thinking of what the next day would bring. Perhaps – depending on the fun they had tomorrow – they would suggest that Diagon Alley adopt Black Friday. End scene.]