Wizolympics 2020: Archery Scandal
Hiltrude Tuft here, your Daily Prophet correspondent bringing you the up-to-the-minute Wizolympic news. This evening’s report deals with a word that we at the Wizolympics abhor hearing: cheating. Yes, mere hours after the winners were presented with their medals, we learn that not all was as it seemed in today’s archery competition.
Now, this event was our newest addition to the roster of Wizolympic Games, and I am shocked – yes, shocked – to tell you that its inaugural run was marred by some egregious rule-breaking. As you all know, this event was strictly centaur only – no humans allowed – but while it appeared to the untrained eye that all eight competitors were 100% part-horse, part-human, this was a lie.
I’ll let that sink in. Folks, today we had one of the most appalling examples of cheating in Wizolympic history. One of the competitors – and I will not sully the name of centaur by calling him such – was not part-horse at all, but entirely, completely, and unequivocally human. Yes! Human! What’s worse is that Craig – that’s right, it was the competitor from Canada and the apparently non-existent colony, the Boreal Centaurs – thought he could sneak his way into the competition by performing some seriously botched transfiguration on himself to pass for a centaur.
Apparently, the subterfuge became clear in the second round of the competition when what looked to be an incident with his bow revealed that Craig’s hindquarters were beginning to detach from the rest of his (human) body! Now, he was removed from the competition at this point and his name struck from the Wizolympic records, so there was no funny business when it came to the medal ceremonies. But I must say, I am shocked that a country known for being polite would be so careless when selecting their team members. When pressed, the Canadian team issued the following statement:
We, uh, deeply regret the, uh, serious disregard for the, uh, Wizolympic rules in the centaur, uh, archery competition. We will be closely examining the rest of our team and, uh, making sure that we rigorously, uh, abide by the rules in the future.
Well, at least they’re apologetic, though you’d think they’d have checked whether the Boreal Centaurs actually existed before allowing Craig to join Team Canada. I know I’ll be looking at all our competitors more closely in the future! Transfiguration, indeed.
Again, this is Hiltrude Tuft, your Daily Prophet correspondent, signing off. See you at the next Wizolympic event!