Who Am I?

to the tune of “Who Am I?” from Les Misérables

At the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Gilderoy Lockhart, once so sure of himself, suffers an identity crisis as the result of a backfiring Memory Charm from Ron’s broken wand. Suddenly, the self-obsessed celebrity can’t even remember his own name. The film adaptation leans into this with a post-credits scene showing a new book of his simply titled Who Am I?

Those three words are immortalized in song by the hit musical Les Misérables when Jean Valjean faces the moral dilemma of allowing another man to be mistaken for him and held responsible for his crimes. For Gilderoy, the question is more basic and literal. By Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, he knows his name and revels in his fame, despite not remembering why exactly he has fans. In this parody, Gilderoy struggles to recall his identity while loving himself all the same.

I don’t know where I am
Not sure what’s going on
One minute, things were clear
The next, my memory’s gone

Why can’t I understand?
What is my purpose here?
My past seems far away
And yet it floats so near

If I try, I can recall
If I remember, I know all

I am the idol of millions of wizards
That much I can see
Can I abandon them? How would they live
Without magical me?

If I try, they will recall
If I remember, I know all

Who am I?
Can I accept this anonymity?
And live out my life in obscurity?
The world deserves to see my face
Or my good looks would be a waste

Who am I?
Can I stay in this ward forevermore?
Forget about the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than a word I sign?

Will they cry?
How many fans ask for my autograph?
How many want to have my photograph?
But why they do, I just don’t know
Because I’m handsome, even so
There must be more that I have done
My smile shines brighter than the sun

Who am I?
Who am I?
I’m Gilderoy

And so, my friends, you see it’s true
I am a gift to all of you
Who am I?
Gilderoy Lockhart