I Tried Out “Harry Potter”-Themed Pickup Lines, and This Is How It Went
Happy Day After Valentine’s! We all survived!
Yes, yes, all-pink-and-copious-amounts-of-chocolate day has finally come and gone. Now, as an avidly single lady, I don’t mind the holiday. (It does, after all, give me the perfect excuse to hibernate on the couch, clutching a bottle of red wine and rum-filled chocolates, The Sweetest Thing, The Other Woman (2014), and The DUFF blaring on my TV all day.) I only mind the reoccurring reminder that this is the one day out of the whole year that I must resist acting like my lush-y, inappropriate self and restrict my interactions to my small circle of friends, lest I unnecessarily creep out a poor, unsuspecting
This year, however, I have thrown that iota of self-preservation to the wind. Per dating convention, this weekend is perfect for busting out cheesy pickup lines, eau de desperation et all.
So. Why not combine my two favorite things into one, awesome experiment? (Harry Potter being one of them and slinking around online dating apps being the other.)
I resolutely scoured the Internet for Harry Potter-themed pickup lines, picking the best (and least dirty because I am a lady, after all) and then unleashing them onto the boys on Tinder, Bumble, and real life. (The “boys in real life” part was actually the hardest. Because I am the awkwardest of turtles, and any pickup line that drops from my lips comes across as overly creepy. No matter the content.)
Here we go!
*This post was enthusiastically inspired by fellow MN writer Charlotte Nicole’s hysterical article: “I Tried All the Dating Advice in Harry Potter, and Here’s What Happened” and follows up MN creative staff Rachael Dechert’s Harry Potter-themed valentines post.
These are the rules (foisted upon myself):
- I cannot let the person know what I’m doing ahead of time; I want to get a genuine reaction. (Sadly, while necessary, this totally dwindled my pool of possibles down to “oh, I actually need to instigate conversations with boys” instead of “oh, let’s just throw these lines onto my fellow, male Harry Potter friends.”)
- I must use either the dating apps Tinder or Bumble or in person (Tinder because it’s the perfect app for this kind of experiment, Bumble because the girl has to start the conversation, which absolutely ups the percentage of rejection and therefore reaps the most reward for this particular post. And in person because, well, I’ve got to shock my system out of its lazy complacency, and I’m pretty sure an embarrassing personal experiment like this one will do just the trick.)
Line: On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re 9&¾.
Result: A Tinder boy I used this line on immediately unmatched with me. Sigh. Another one tried being funny (see below). I didn’t react accordingly.
Line: Do you mind if I Slytherin? Into your Chamber of Secrets.
Result: OH, DEAR LORD. I used this on Hot Guy at the Gym and now he has, very obviously, reworked his workout schedule so that it does not collide with mine. For shame.
Effectiveness: 2/10 (unless you are already banging the person, and then, in that case, maybe we can up the effectiveness factor up to 9/10?)
Line: Baby, are you a Horcrux? Because you’ve got a piece of my soul.
Result: Immediate unmatch on Bumble.
Effectiveness: Personally, I give this an 8 out of 10. Look at that seamless weaving in of Harry Potter talk into the ultimate pickup line format (“Are you from X? Because Y”)!
Line: You know you don’t have to say Lumos to turn me on.
Result: I used this on Hot Sundance Server Tyler, much to my personal chagrin and much to my boss’s delight. He just blinked at me, confused. (He hadn’t read any of the books, and he’s only seen up to Movie 3. I was SHOCKED.) I did end up placing my hand on his arm, in a shared “sorry for being such an embarrassment to society” moment. But alas, no phone numbers were exchanged.
Line: When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
Result: Oh, Sergio from Bumble. You asked for cheesy pickup lines, I delivered, and nothing happened. On principle, I shake my head.
Effectiveness: 0/10 (because of lack of numbers received)
Line: I hope you like Quidditch because I’m definitely a Keeper.
Result: I got 1 positive hit and 1 blinking ellipsis. I call this a win. (I’m very partial to all Quidditch-themed lines. Because while I feel mostly “whatever” when it comes to sports, I love me some Oliver Wood.)
Line: If I were a Seeker and you were a Snitch, would you let me catch you?
Result: I can’t decide whether I like this Quidditch line better or the one above. Obviously, none of the boys on Tinder agree with me, but still. This is such a cute line, I’m mad that no one took the bait. I’m a fantastic first date, dammit.
Line: You don’t need Expelliarmus – your smile’s disarming enough.
Result: This particular line only works when the guy you’re talking to is actually smiling in his profile pictures.
Line: Are you a Death Eater? Because AzkaDAMN.
Results: Even faster of an unmatch on Bumble than my the Horcrux one. C’MON.
Effectiveness: 0/10 (Personally, I give this a 10/10. It makes me crow with laughter.)
Line: I’ll let you Ravenclaw my Hufflepuff.
Result: Out of all the dirty lines that were suggested to me (via the Internet and/or friends), this one was the least lascivious. And it turned out to be a bit of a cheat, actually. The boy I used this line on started using Harry Potter pickup lines on *me.* And then I corrected him on consistent House reference. Whoops.
Line: You know, when I said “Accio, Hottie,” I didn’t think it would actually happen.
Result: I got two unmatches on Tinder, thanks to this little number, and one ignored message on Bumble. WHY? Boys on the Internet, WHY?
Line: I need a happy memory to conjure a Patronus. Will you kiss me real quick?
Result: This is my ABSOLUTE favorite Harry Potter pickup line. I reserved it only for in-real-life interactions. To absolute no avail. I actually got a reluctant peck on the cheek for this one. And then *wiggles hands* ghosting.
Effectiveness: 10/10 (I got the kiss, didn’t I?)
None of these interactions beget an actual relationship. (Yet. *buffs nails on shoulder*) Which is weird because at the very least, if I were on the reciprocating end of any Harry Potter pickup line, I would’ve at the very least made sure to have the conversation end with a bought drink. Eh.
The majority of Harry Potter pickup lines that exist are, fascinatingly, super sexual. Like I’d mentioned above, “You don’t have to say Lumos to turn me on” was the least come-on-ish. A few choice ones were: “One night with me, and they’ll be calling you Moaning Myrtle”; “I’ve been whomping my willow, thinking of you”; “I’m not wearing an invisibility cloak, but can I get into your restricted section?” (to which I say, “no glove, no love”); and “I can think of something else that’s 9&¾ inches.”
Additionally, something new I discovered about myself via this experiment: I am shockingly, unexpectedly, shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite gender while on the Internet. Even though I effectively hid behind my phone screen, I spent a large part of the beginning of this experiment terrified that these people were judging me for dropping these cheesy pickup lines on them.
Lol. Not so much anymore.
What did you guys do for Valentine’s? What kind of Harry Potter pickup lines are you partial to or have, in turn, received?