Six Steps to Dating a Non-“Potter” Fan
Most recently, I emblazoned Hermione’s otter Patronus, a teaspoon, and a “Weasley Is Our King” crown on my right bicep. Imagine my utter and outrageous surprise when half the people who asked me about my tattoos casually remarked that they have neither read any Harry Potter installment or watched any of the movies.
(Seriously. I kind of expected it from the clueless 18-year-old, because of the whole generation gap, but when my 28-year-old work crush said this, my heart shriveled up a little bit, and said crush waned down a shade.)
Hence, this post, on the six steps to dating a non-Potter fan (instead of, you know, kicking said person to the curb the minute they say, “wut iz Harry Potter“), written by the same person who used Potter pick-up lines on Tinder.
1.Freak out. You have exactly ten minutes to reconcile yourself to a partner who has as little interest in recapping Harry Potter as you do in Quentin Tarantino’s complete oeuvre. (That comparison is in no way based in my reality at all. Nope. Not a one.) Scream into your Ron-shaped body pillow, if you feel like it. Shake it off. The two of you bonded over things other than fandom loyalties. Remember what those were.
2. Round up your friends who are similarly Potter-minded. They will be your grounded support group. They will be whom you spend the majority of your time with, as you come to terms with the fact that you cannot bring your Person to any Harry Potter movie marathons, trivia nights, or all-out celebrations.
3. Keep calm when your Person makes inaccurate or deluded references to Harry Potter: “No, how many times do I have to tell you? Ravenclaw’s House mascot is NOT a raven. It’s a motherf*#!ing eagle.” Their heart is in the right place. And while that heart is saying all the wrong things and making your eye twitch – still. Points for effort, amirite?
4. Find out which fandoms they are particularly into. Compare notes. Is it Doctor Who versus Harry Potter? Game of Thrones? League of Legends? Regardless: Declare that your fervor obviously trumps theirs. Buy your Person a consolatory smoothie.
5. Slyly slip in Potter references in everyday conversation. For example: “I’m hungry. Did you know that making food appear out of thin air is one of five exceptions to Gamp’s Law? Like, it’s impossible. Hermione – y’know, Hermione from Harry Potter? – said so. Go get me McDonald’s.”
6. Seize any opportunity they give you about starting to read the books or watch the movies. Constantly carry around a copy of Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone. Have Jim Dale’s audiobook rendition always queued up in your car’s CD player. Email your Person any relevant MuggleNet listicles, Tumblr memes, or Etsy shop products you come across. IT IS TIME FOR INDUCTION.
Have any of you dated a non-Potter fan? How do you cope with them? Shout out in the comments below.