What Does Your Patronus Really Say About You?

A few weeks ago, we found ourselves wandering through a dark forest of torment, uncertainty, and slightly creepy music, trying to find out what luminescent creature would bring back our hopes and happiness. Some were pleased by the revelation of their Patronuses, and others not so much. But what confounded most of us was the lack of insight Pottermore provided on what our Patronuses truly mean – what they reveal about our inner souls.

Ye shall no longer walk in that uncertainty, good people. A select few Patronus meanings have been revealed to us here at the “Dirigible Plum,” and it is our duty and pleasure to share them with all of you.

What Does Your Patronus REALLY Say About You?

Orca: Your primary goal in life is to find freedom. This can be a little difficult for you since you tend to see the world as black or white, which prevents you from achieving the freedom you so desire. Try to find the gray area, and you’ll find freedom from the shackles of your own mind.

Erumpent: Although you are rough around the edges, prone to hostility, and tend to blow up at the smallest provocation, you’re really just a cuddly-wuddly teddy on the inside.

Shark: You’re kind of a loner. You may have a few friends, and you probably spend all of your time together playing card games and eating sushi. Everyone is afraid of you, but it’s only because of your stunning teeth. But one day, the flossing will pay off.

Thestral: You were probably one of those emo kids in high school who never spoke to anyone and kept their headphones on in the hallways pumping MCR into their sad ears. But despite your freaky wardrobe, you’re a really sweet person and have a quiet understanding of the world that few people slow down enough to see.

Salmon: People think you’re boring, but your determination sets you apart from the rest. Plus, you manage to pull off that cold, somewhat-serious-yet-expressionless look rather well.

Doe: You have a very feminine quality about you. You’re like a ray of sunshine to everyone you meet, and you come up with little names to call yourself. Your hobbies include long distance running and sewing. You have a terrible memory, though, and always follow up your sewing with a handwritten note to remind yourself where you left off on your last project. Tea, jam, and bread are your snacks of choice, and you’re a hard worker who likes to make your own dough.

Peacock: Everyone hates you. But that’s okay because they’re just secretly jealous of your good looks. You do tend to flaunt them, though. You should really work on that.

Tigress: You are fierce and independent, and you have an extremely strong work ethic that borders on unhealthy. If you have or plan to have children, you will probably have unrealistically high expectations for them.

Dolphin: You tend to be either overestimated as some glorious showman or pigeon-holed into the category of earnest but all-too-shy thinkers. In reality, you are closer to that sweet spot somewhere in the middle, making you particularly adept at surprising your opponents. Hermione would be proud, while Emma Watson is probably wishing she got a Patronus as cool as this.

Aardvark: You are very cheerful, near-sighted, and likely to befriend those with bunnies as their Patronuses.

Mink: You know how to make people happy. Your expensive taste and intuitive nature make you an excellent gift-giver. Those you surround yourself with tend to feel more valuable in your presence – plus, you’re just so great for their skin!

Impala: You have an appreciation for style and comfort, but you are modest about it, and people appreciate that about you. You are a reliable, dependable, mid-size sedan with front-wheel drive and a V8 engine. You might actually be the most important thing in pretty much the whole universe.

Tortoiseshell Cat: You’re on your own beat and couldn’t find two hoots to give about others’ opinions. Loyal almost to a fault, you can add an incredible amount of support to your friends with the simplest of gestures. Buyer beware – once you’re in, there’s no getting rid of you. You’re like the token oldie cast member on SNL.

Lion: Everyone thinks you’re really brave, but in the past few years, you’ve become something of a coward. You create a lot of problems for yourself by overthinking. There’s probably a lot you could learn from your mother to help you start moving forward. Just remember: None of this is your fault.