“Erecto!” 25 Romance Ramp-Up Tips for Valentine’s Day
This week, the world is full of silly love songs. Some of us like it; some of us cringe at the sickly sweet tones declaring love via corny lyrics. Valentine’s Day only seems to cater to those who are in a pair, which is unfair and, quite frankly, a load of dragon dung. We here at The Quibbler think February 14 is for everyone, and we have asked one of our staff writers to put together a handful of handy tips to ramp up your Valentine’s Day whether you are “in-couple” or “self-partnered.”*
*Disclaimer: All tips are expected to be used with consent, and The Quibbler takes no responsibility if your love life fails as a result of taking our advice.
For Those Requiring Some Much-Needed “Quiet Time”
1. Illusiont – Ensure your V-date is uninterrupted by utilizing this Disillusionment Charm to blend seamlessly in with your surroundings, like a chameleon.
2. Imperturbatus – For really serious alone time, the Imperturbable Charm creates an invisible magical barrier (i.e., a door). Any attempts to penetrate said barrier will result in the object, spell, or person bouncing off. It also muffles sounds. Handy if you wanted to watch a loud movie by yourself or whatever.
3. Intrudus Concutio – If you don’t mind being interrupted but don’t want your V-date plans “known,” use the Intruder Charm since it works by sounding an alarm whenever an intruder draws near. That way, you can pretend you were merely reading an innocent magazine even though we know you weren’t.
4. Muffliato – Use this charm to prevent any conversations (read: noises) from being heard by those nearby as their ears will be filled with an unidentifiable buzzing sound.
5. Quietus – Need to be unheard but still keep an eye out? Perform this Quietening Charm on yourself, and hope whoever is within range doesn’t have hearing like Mrs. Norris’s.
For the Clumsy Lovers Among Us
6. Evanesco – Use to vanish any spills, broken objects, or other things you are likely to drop on the floor.
7. Scourgify – A handy spell not just for your V-date that works by simply cleaning objects. Particularly useful on food stains or whatever.
8. Molliare – This tricky little charm produces an invisible cushion over the targeted object. It is one I learned from Charlie Weasley. Apparently, it is primarily used in the manufacturing of broomsticks… and all sorts of rides.
For the Daredevils Among Us
9. Levicorpus – A nonverbal, non-registered spell that causes the target (read: victim) to be dangled upside down by his or her ankles. I’m unsure how this will come in handy on your V-date, but my editor insisted on having it in here.
10. Liberacorpus – The nonverbal countercurse to Levicorpus – essential if you are using the above spell. (Would also work well with the Cushioning Charm.)
11. Wingardium Leviosa – An easy Levitation Charm that you should have learned in first year, which causes an object – such as a rose, or a glass of wine, or a bed, any object really – to levitate.
12. Queritorto – This Gripping Charm will help you grip something more effectively. Primarily used on Quaffles to aid Chasers in Quidditch, you will find this spell useful if you are ever on a motorbike ride with Sirius Black.
For Valentine’s Gift Ideas
13. Multicorfors – A cute charm used to change the color and style of your clothing because even if you are celebrating Valentine’s Day in your own wonderful company, you want to make an effort for yourself, right?
14. Orchideous – Conjure your friends, family, partner, and/or self a bouquet of flowers. They (and you) are worth it. Plus, it will give you brownie points for next year. *winks awkwardly*
15. Aparecium – Into Sherlock Holmes? Get some invisible ink, and use this Revealing Charm to reveal secret messages written in invisible ink to your crush or partner. Give them a time limit to figure out your message, and tell them you’ll dump them if they don’t succeed. Races against the clock are sexy.**
**Disclaimer: Don’t do this – we are joking and are not liable for any more broken hearts.
Miscellaneous Spells to Keep It Interesting
16. Descendo – This spell causes the target object to move downward, which is useful for things you want to bring down, like glassware, dinner plates, trousers…
17. Engorgio – The Engorgement Charm causes objects to increase in size. You can use this with presents like flowers.
18. Erecto – This spell will be useful for V-daters choosing to go camping as it is used to erect a tent or other upright structure.
19. Incarcerous – Be very, very careful with this spell as it ties up the target with ropes conjured from thin air and not everyone is down to play Houdini. Consent is key!
20. Inflatus – A jinx that inflates the target, filling it with air. If you get a flat tire or whatever during your V-date.
Bonus: A Few Ad Hoc Spells Created by Our Newest Staff Member***
21. Eros Engorgio – Impress your partner with an atmosphere of romantic, passionate love.
22. Accio Philia – An affectionate love spell that fills your target with affection and a light patting sensation.
23. Agape Amora – A potion that – when consumed – fills the target with a selfless, universal love.
24. Ludus Maxima – A playful love spell when your energy is waning and you need to perk up to make it through the rest of your V-date.
25. Philautia Erecto – Send yourself some good vibes and a whole lot of self-love with this cheering Contentment Charm.
There you have it. 25 of the best spells to ramp up your Valentine’s Day no matter where you are, who you are with, or what you are doing, and if all else fails and this trendy list hasn’t made you at least a little excited about Valentine’s Day, remember: “Amor Vincit Omnia” – “Love Conquers All.” You are loved every day no matter what day it is.
***Use with EXTREME caution. These spells are not technically Ministry approved. In any way.