Tip-Top Saving Tips from Horace Slughorn
Hey, hello, dear readers. How is it going? April is a great time to sit down and reflect on your year so far. In our quarterly meeting, the Quibbler staff brought to our attention that it was time to review spending. We thought we were doing relatively well until our newest staff writer highlighted a certain editor’s penchant for purchasing gold-plated Gobstones.
Naturally, golden Gobstones is a necessary budgeting allowance, but it got us thinking: What can we cut down in order to increase our account at Gringotts? (Read: Continue to pay our staff.)
We came to the conclusion that an expert was needed to help us navigate the waters of budgeting and frugality. It had to be someone thrifty yet spend-thrifty, someone who likes the finer things in life – such as solid gold gaming equipment – and finds a way to fund this, someone who lives a champagne lifestyle on a water budget. That someone was Horace Slughorn.
The Quibbler sat down with Horace Slughorn and got his best tips for saving money.
Hint: It’s all about networking (with a touch of con-ing thrown in).*
*Disclaimer: The Quibbler does not endorse ANY of the saving tips below. We would have pulled this article, but it had already gone to print, and we needed to fill page 4 in our magazine this month.
Bills & rent:
- Instead of paying rent, move into houses or apartments whose residents are away on holiday. This is sometimes known as “house sitting”; however, the way Slughorn describes this sounded suspiciously like “breaking and entering.” To be clear, the Quibbler recommends you gain permission from said house owners before moving your piano into their living room.
- Do not buy your favorite candy from the stores like a common pleb; befriend well-known journalists and sporadically remind them you introduced them to their boss x number of years ago.
- Get Hagrid drunk and let his generosity wash over you. Unicorn hair, giant spider venom, Blast-Ended Skrewt stinger – these products can certainly fix a pretty penny on the black market.
- Speaking of the black market, know your way around Knockturn Alley.
Network (a lot):
- Start your own cult… er, club… where you only invite friends who are going to “be” somebody. Introduce them to other influential friends and remind them from time to time they owe you. Note: This is a gamble, and you must possess an eye for spotting blossoming talent.
- Be in Slytherin. No shade to our emerald and silver pals, but there are more interesting (read: dodgy) characters in that House who would be good to know for some of the bendier laws (and Knockturn Alley directions).
Use your indomitable willpower:
- If you find yourself owing people money, simply modify the memory of your bet, and then present it to them and cross your fingers that they will believe you.
- Be discerning. Though it may seem tempting, avoid joining forces with those hell-bent on evil and blood-purity; it pays off in the long run.
And if all else fails, set yourself up as an expert on money-saving and request a free gourmet lunch for those foolish enough to interview you for your knowledge.
What are some tips that help you save?**
**Seriously, we need to know. Send help.