Dear Professor Snape,

When I was only a first year I regretfully had my first love on a boy a couple years older than me. I am now heading into my seventh year and I still like this boy. Unfortunately I have recently learned that there is no way he could ever love me considering his sexuality. I know you can sympathize with me considering your past love didn’t work out. (sorry) How can I get over him?

Dear Professor Snape,

This is supposed to be a question for the professor of the Defense against the Dark Arts class. However, I am sort of doubtful of their teaching skills, and after hearing so many praises from my peers whilst you were taking over prof. Lupin’s classes,I find myself inclined to seek out your guidance on the matter.

The current research I am working on is dealing with the creature called the Lamia. The Lamia takes the form of a voluptuous woman who also has serpentine features,such as her lower half of the body, having the sense of smell with her tongue ,etc. Now, am I free to assume that the Lamia can be subdued if one knew Parseltongue? And I’d also ask of your personal input with dealing with the creature, should it attack you. How would you deal with it?

Dear Professor Snape,

I recently attended an event where I had to deliver a speech, and I was terrified. A muggle-born friend of mine insisted that all I really needed was, “Dutch courage” and that I had to, “Imagine the audience naked.”

After three double Firewhiskeys I prepared to grace the stage, whilst clutching my wand in my hand for dear life. The good news is I managed half of my prepared speech without a hiccup. The bad news? I wordlessly banished the clothes of every audience member in the auditorium.

What would you suggest I do to overcome my crippling, and frankly criminal stage fright? I’ve been threatened with a stint in Azkaban for indecent exposure, unless I can publicly apologize to the entire Wizarding Community for my recent transgressions.